miss cathy

the past 2 days i cried till my eyes are sore
i feel defeated
like every next person i meet or talk to is trying to rip my bandages apart and pour salt on the fresh wounds

"silly rabbit
trix are for kids
how are you be so optimistic?
to the point of being extremely naive"

stop telling me what to do and who to be
all i hear are lectures
how you feel
what you think i should do

has anyone actually wondered what its like to be in my shoes?
if you think its sounds bad
how do you think i feel when its actually happening to me?

i have so many things on my mind i cant even begin to explain and tell

all my life i can only hope
can only dream
can only look at how people got what they want in life
maybe i took the wrong step somewhere along the way and ended up here
feeling a little envious

i cant feel sorry for myself i know
but sometimes being positive can be a real tiring thing to do
reality tends to hit you when you're down
i no longer have faith
thank you world for making me lose the only thing that made me human
faith in human kind
positive that i can have my dream future

my dream is realistic
i don't wanna be super rich or live in district 10
or marry someone famous, drive around in Audi R8
i just want to do well at work
find someone who loves me
get married have kids
my kids dont need to be angels
my husband dont need to step out of GQ
we dont even need to be happy all year round
just normal
that i'm happy with

people have taken that very basic away from me
i have seen what humans can do to each other
and i for one, am terrified of the future
and it will be cruel to bring future generations into this world
knowing who we are
what humans are perfectly capable of doing

maybe this is hell
has anyone thought of that?
we often wish that our enemies burn in hell
go to hell
but what makes us think that we aint already in it

i think a lot as i made up lost sleep today
even in my sleep my brain doesnt take a break

this is hell