miss cathy

the past 2 weeks have been hell
i guess when the time comes
wat u see in the mirror
wat i saw looking back
was i really who i thot i am
who am i really
overbearing or concerned
attention seeking or just loud
selfish or afaid
show off or misunderstood
to be honest
at the end of the day
wat most ppl see perhaps weight more than wat u see
looking back
maybe that is who i am
overbearing, attention seeking, power hungry
if the shoes fit wear it
true
so true
but then why do i feel this pain
why cant i accept that no matter wat i do i cant change how ppl think
and why cant i keep this big headed monster inside me
i seem to be able to keep hi bye friends better than i keep close friends
with hi bye friends i seem to care less
i don show them who i truely am
with close friends
my constant need to control them is killing them
and in the end even the closest runs away
so so many times i tried to change
but wat i've realise
is that i cant change
the more i try the more this monster breaks out
maybe this is who i really am
flawed
wicked
heartless
i tried to justify wat ive done
only to find that they came back to the same thing
when i say something or do something
the reasons is always different frm how they turned out
and almost nvr in a good way
in the end ppl will always choose they think wat they wanna see and wat they wanna believe
wat i see now
i'm me
i'm tactless
i have no consideration for others
i tend to put me 1st
i only care for ppl whom i know will care for me when i need it
i don believe in giving and not getting something back
likewise
i always give back
i hate confrontations
i always know ppl are unhappy with me but i'll nvr ask
i'll always wait
and when i start asking qns
i am already in my lowest of lows
because i nvr ask qns
i'm usually confident enough to know the answers
i speak before i think
sometimes i'm totally clueless
call it being too caught up with too many things
thinking too much or even just thinking for ME
i forget the ppl around me
i hate phones msn email and smses
i prefer to talk face to face
sometimes i wear an emotion different from how i really feel
its self defense for me
things had happen to me so i always have a shield on
i hardly let it down
not even for family
i cant change that
the rest i can lower it down
but my shield will always be up
i will always think for me

this post have gone trou a lot of thinking
should i really write this
knowing that if i do
ppl will hate me
i will finally lose all the self justification
biting more than i can chew
notice there's a lot of I s and Me s
yeah
i know
THIS IS WHO I AM
no more running or denying
prephaps some ppl will see me in a better light
maybe i really do care for ppl
but wats the point of telling myself that i really care that i'm really a nice person
when the truth its in front of me
i only care for ppl who care for me
no point hiding anymore
love me hate me
your call...