miss cathy

(A)The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans (C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. (E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

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Everybody makes mistakes, thats why they put erasers on pencils.

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To be famous you must meet the following requirements:

Have a sob story.
Must be willing to tell that story.
Must be a drug-addict, alcoholic, or sex-addict.
Must have a constant vulnerability.
Must be willing to die young and tragically

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Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'honest' meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

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10 things that sound dirty in golf:

1. Look at the size of his putter
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk
5. My hands are so sweaty that I can't get a good grip
6. Lift your head and spread your legs
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired
8. Just turn your back and drop it
9. Hold up, I have to wash my balls
10. Damn, I missed the hole again

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Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

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Ad seen in newspaper recently:

"For sale by owner: complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last week. Husband knows everything."

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I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head-first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off
I work in a damp environment
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not take initiative
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You are unable to work double shifts
You've been seen entering and leaving the workplace with two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely,
The Management

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What PMS stands for:

1. Pass my shotgun
2. Psychotic mood shift
3. Perpetual munching spree
4. Puffy midsection
5. People make me sick
6. Provide me with sweets
7. Pardon my sobbing
8. Pimples may surface
9. Pass my sweatpants
10. Pissy mood syndrom
11. Plainly: men suck
12. Pack my stuff
13. Permanent menstrual syndrom
14. Problems men start
15. Potential murder suspect

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Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the Lovers are french and it is all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it is all organized by the Italians