some quotes i find really funny

• Life is like a box of chocolates. It's a cheap thoughtless perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable becuase all you ever get back is another box of chocolates, so you're stuck with this unidentifiable whipped mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing left to eat. Sure, once in a while there's a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but they're gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. So you end up with up with nothing but broken bits with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts. If you're desperate enough to eat that, all you have left is an empty box filled with useless brown paper wrappers."
• Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I met a man with no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean, it wasn't as if he was going to need them.
• New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
• You all know about the Darwin Awards -- It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him while he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
• "But, you know what life really is? You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's tits. That's what life is. Life sucks."
  John Ryman, "When Galaxies Collide"
• The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
• Men are like fish. Neither would get into trouble if they only kept their mouths shut.
• PESSIMISM: Every dark cloud has its silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.
• A man being admitted into a mental institution: "They called me mad. I called them mad. And damn them they outvoted me."
• Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
• Guys are like parking lots, all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
• We really don't have enemies, it's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?